Funny Dog Stuff

The creation of pets

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with
us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it
is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how
selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged
his
tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be
a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my
own
name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

 

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will
be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion
will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are
not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

 

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's
eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

 

 

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

 

And Cat didn't give a flip one way or the other.

 

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ACCORDING TO YOUR DOG

Nuances of a House Dog

• The dog is not allowed in the house.
• Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
• The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
• The dog can get on the old furniture only.
• Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
• Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
• The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
• The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
• The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
• Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER:
Make me.

LAB:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

GERMAN SHEPHERD:
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check
to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

TIBETIAN TERRIER:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the
time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

BOXER:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

CHIHUAHUA:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

POINTER:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

GREYHOUND:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG:

Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
HOUND DOG:
ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

CAT:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF...

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....
 
 
  I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
 
 The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
 
 I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table.
 
 I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the
sofa or under the bed.
 
 I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
 
 I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
 
 I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
 
 I will not throw up in the car.

 I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just
because I like the way they smell.
 
 I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
 
 "Kitty box crunchies" are not food; although they
are tasty, they are not food.
 
 I will not eat any more socks, Kleenex or napkins, and
then redeposit them in the backyard
 after processing.
 
 The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
 
 I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold,
 wet nose up her bottom end.
 
 I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
 
 I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the
red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
 
 When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
 
 We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time
I hear one on TV.
 
 I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all
over the back yard with it.
 
 The sofa is not a face towel.  Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
 
 My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
 
 I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches
in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.

 I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting
a bath.

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an
acceptable way of saying "hello."

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick
my crotch when company is over.

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him
and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

I will never again mess with a skunk.  I now accept
that they have every right to come into my yard. 
However, I will encourage my cat to attack them.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!

11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!

5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!

6:00 p.m.. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!

8:30 p. m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!